Forever After Read online

  Dylan went on to tell Grant that, “The average amount, I guess, is something like one point five milliliters. So as soon as you get your letter in the mail, call me. I want to know. I bet it won’t be close to one point nine.”

  Now, if you’ll recall, Grant has a rocky history with the United States Postal Service. In particular, their many, many attempts to get him to check his mailbox. On numerous occasions during his single years, his mailbox got so full they had to bring all the mail back to the post office and hold it for him. There, they would try to cajole him into coming to get it. He never did. Despite all the unopened mail in the canoe, apparently the post office had more that has never been delivered.

  But during this time of jerk offs and tabulated results, Grant checked our mailbox daily.

  When his letter finally arrived, he called forth all those who cared to announce his results. We had a family meeting via speakerphone with Dylan.

  “Dyl, got my results back today.”

  “Ohhh . . . well. Let’s hear it.”

  “Four point nine milliliters.” There was a long pause of silence.

  “Wow . . .” Dylan says seemingly in awe and envy. “Good for you dude. Good for you.”

  Which was very sportsman like of him to congratulate the winner. Clearly a week earlier he’d announced that he had this one in the bag—or in the cup, you might say. Grant ended our speakerphone conversation with what all best friends turned brother-in-laws would say, under these circumstances.

  “Yep. Four point nine milliliters of ejaculation, goin’ right into your sister tonight.”

  Chapter 28

  Forever After-Dylan

  Apparently the aftermath and pain associated with a vasectomy lingers for quite a while. I believe the medical term for this is, equality.

  Dylan: The reality is that we want to have sex with our wives and not have to worry about getting them pregnant. So it’s worth it.

  Grant: I thought about working another one out today but man, it still hurts. It’s irritating to say the least, everything wrinkles up, you know.

  Dylan: Not mine. I’m already running a razor across them.

  Grant: Do you have pain on your right side?

  Dylan: No. Only blue ball ache. Okay C.J. what other questions do you have? I could tell you lots of things about my past, there are stories that—

  C.J.: I’ve heard about the stories Tucker Max. Yes I know we could write an I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell book about you. Maybe someday, but not here. So here is my question. How did you feel when you found out it was true about me and Grant?

  Grant: I’m sure Dylan felt a little hurt that I didn’t confide in him. There was a reason for that though, we didn’t, obviously, want it to seem as though anything was going on before . . . you know?

  Dylan: Yeah. I’m sure there are a few things you keep between yourselves.

  Grant looks at me and winks.

  Grant: Yes, a few.

  Dylan takes a moment to answer thoughtfully, which I appreciate.

  Dylan: After taking it in and thinking about how long this could have been going—or had been going on—and how long I’d been duped, I thought how awesome it would be if it actually was going to go the distance and my best friend would be with my sister. He looks back and forth between me and Grant who are happy and smiling at his answer. Imagine all the fun we had over the years, I was not only going to be with my best friend but also my sister would be right there next to me too! And obviously, Grant being such a great guy, put all the adjectives here, intelligent, gentleman, you know, you couldn’t want anyone better for your best friend or for your sister.

  C.J.: But did you really think it was going to last?

  Dylan: I knew that wasn’t the case. Wish I’d have know that. Grant has tiptoed around so many women over the course of the years. Women who were—

  Grant: Fucking crazy?

  Dylan: No, hot.

  Still today, this makes me feel a pang of heartache. Imagining him with someone else is painful and I never hear it unless it’s like this. I turn those thoughts around by reminding myself that he chose me.

  Dylan: But he dumped all of them. When I thought about it hard and long. I knew that Grant’s family and my family were lifetime residents on the lake. And that for him to step into these shoes and go there, he could either really be screwing it up for all of us or it could really be genuine. ‘Cause you know, if it was just a fling, we’d have to live with each other. I mean we share a boat, a friendship, a whole life together before and after. I knew that if he was going there with you, it was the real thing.

  I love hearing this from my brother. This makes my heart fill with happiness.

  Grant: Dylan, can I get you another one?

  Dylan: Yes. Get one for your sister, I mean my sister. Here is my thing C.J., Grant and my personality and humor have always hit it off together. It’s what drew us together to be such close friends. Growing up with you, I knew that all my friends had that same type of mischievous shenanigans behavior. That was your personality too. ‘Cause you were right there with me and all my friends. You were forced to laugh at our crap. Forced to think that maybe people really act like that. I knew myself, you and Grant had that same personality.

  Dylan has a serious feel about him now. I do love this side of my very unique brother.

  C.J.: Answer this please. I feel most alive when . . .

  Dylan: When I’m at the lake.

  He does not hesitate and his answer is no surprise. We know how much he loves it there. From the Friday morning phone calls demanding we get out of work and meet him at the lake to the pouting that happens when he has to leave for a gig on one of the short fourteen weekends a year we can be there.

  When the sun is on my shoulders and face. When it’s hot and there is no wind and the lake is glass. I’m in my paradise zone. It’s my happy place in my mind. I think of sitting on the dock staring to the west. It’d be 3:00 p.m.

  C.J.: Did you go to that place when you had your vasectomy last week?

  Dylan: No. I thought to myself, I’ve never been so uncomfortable in my life and never experienced something so undesirable. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I told the surgeon it was my wife’s birthday and this was her gift. Nikki is laughing in the background. Why are you typing, you’re not going to write about my vasectomy.

  C.J.: Of course not, I’m just taking notes about everything as we go.

  Dylan: Okay.

  Given that Dylan would be okay with me writing a tell-all book about his adventures, one that would surely not be allowed in bookstores that don’t also sell adult videos, I deemed the vasectomy conversation fair game.

  C.J.: What is something you’re glad you never have to do again?

  Dylan and Nikki answer quickly and in unison.

  Nikki: Have another kid.

  Dylan: Wear a condom.

  C.J.: What is the most important thing when picking the right person to marry?

  Nikki: Someone that you get along with.

  Dylan: Um . . . I would say personality.

  C.J.: What do you love most about your wife?

  Dylan: That she drinks beer.

  Nikki sighs.

  We all laughed. Typical Dylan. He’s actually serious. There’s no smile or laugh coming from him. And she’s not a girl that says no I don't drink beer. That’s a big one. You know where we live sometimes you can go to these small-town bars and they don’t have these fancy drinks. If she didn’t drink beer we couldn’t be there.

  C.J.: Dylan, I love going to those small town bars and eating grilled cheese and drinking beer and playing darts. When Grant and I go to Alaska, we seek out the smallest dive bar we can find. I can’t wait till we can all go together. But to clarify, your answer is a metaphor for everything else in your life. Because if Nikki drinks beer and says “yes” to things, she is a yes girl for other things in life. Is that accurate?

  Dylan: Is she a yes girl? Yes.

  Dylan has to get
up and answer the door. The pizza we ordered is here.

  C.J.: Is there anything you want to tell me about Dylan since he’s out of the room?

  Nikki: He likes to think it’s his way or the highway. That’s not the case.

  Chapter 29

  Forever After-Dani (17)

  Dani is snuggling with Kona on the floor in my bedroom while I sit in my writing nook. She’s just gotten home from her part-time job making pizzas a few nights a week after school. She is totally game with me asking her questions. Dani and I have a close relationship. One I never thought I’d have with my teenage daughter, but one I’d hoped for and tried to foster. I thought she’d be an unruly shit like me at seventeen, thankfully, she’s not. She’s much more respectful and open about her life outside of our family and her struggles with the world than I was at her age.

  C.J.: So you know this is for a follow-up book to AFFAIRYTALE. I’m going to call it Forever After and I want to give the readers a little insight into your world now. You good?

  Dani: Yep.

  C.J.: At what point did you know there was more to my story than just Grant and I getting together?

  Dani: I kind of suspected it all along, but I didn’t really know until you took me out to eat and were honest with me. That’s when you told me for real and told me about the book.

  Dani props herself up on her elbow. The big fluffy dog laying in front of her turns over, demanding a belly rub.

  C.J.: I remember that night. I was so scared to tell you. Do you remember how you felt when I told you about AFFAIRYTALE?

  Dani: I was excited. I wasn’t upset.

  C.J.: Why not?

  Dani: Because I know how my dad is. He’s not even affected by it at all. And at that point, everything was okay.

  C.J.: What do you mean?

  Dani: I don’t know . . . just like . . . we had the little kids already, or at least just one of them anyway. Things were really good for us, and I get why you’re not with my dad.

  C.J.: More details?

  Dani: It’s just like I said. Things were good and I understand why you’re not with my dad. I mean what the hell were you thinking in the first place? How could you two have ever gotten along? You’re like, exact opposites.

  We share a laugh. She knows me and Levi really well.

  C.J.: Yeah I know, I know. But he can be a lot of fun. That’s why.

  Dani: Sometimes.

  She shrugs, it’s exactly what she would say about me too.

  C.J.: I gave you the option to veto the book. I said I wouldn’t release it if you didn’t want me to. I also gave you the option to read it. You were really supportive and you wanted to read it, why?

  Dani: I didn’t think there was any problem with it. I thought it was cool that you were writing a book. I hate to read, and it was a really good book. Hang on, I’ll be right back . . .

  Dani returns and lies on my bed with a plate full of deep-dish cheese pizza. I shake my head. I wish she hadn’t brought that in.

  C.J.: That looks really good. What is it with this family and pizza? If I ate pizza as much as you brought it around I’d be a blimp.

  Dani: Mom, I can’t help it I work at a pizza place. You can have some. Help yourself. I brought it for all of us.

  C.J.: I can’t. It’s like eight-thirty and we’re going to Hawaii in a few weeks.

  Dani: You are? When?

  C.J.: I’ll get you the dates. Why is Baby Got Back playing out there?

  Dani: Grant is watching Jackass.

  C.J.: Again?

  Dani shrugs.

  C.J.: How would you describe your life now?

  Dani: Pretty normal.

  C.J.: How would you describe your relationship with Grant?

  Dani: Normal. Good.

  C.J.: Do you love him?

  Dani: [nodding with a mouth full of pizza] Uh-huh.

  C.J.: Have you ever told him?

  Dani: Over text and in a card.

  C.J.: Has he ever told you?

  Dani: [eating] Uh-huh.

  C.J.: Is it your impression that Grant is a total dork?

  Dani: Yeah.

  C.J.: Remember when you used to call him the walking brain?

  Dani: Yeah.

  C.J. What do you think about the woman who called Child Protective Services on me after I released AFFAIRYTALE and reported me as schizophrenic??

  Dani: That she’s a fucking idiot and has no idea what our life is like. She must be bored.

  C.J.: How has your life changed, since the divorce? Good or bad?

  Dani: I definitely live in a way happier house in both places, and I feel like I have something really good to live for with the little kids.

  C.J.: They love you so much. It’s really cool to see you with little siblings. I’m so glad you got to experience that.

  C.J.: Is there anything you would like known to anyone who read AFFAIRYTALE?

  Dani: That my dad is perfectly fine.

  C.J.: How do you mean?

  Dani: Like no one should feel sorry for him and that he’s happy.

  C.J.: What do you think is the most important thing in a life partner?

  Dani: Trust. And um . . . like an actual connection. Something that isn’t forced. I’ll be right back.

  She goes to get more pizza which smells fucking amazing and it’s taking everything I have to not devour it! Goddammit, this house!

  C.J.: Do you feel like the marriage/relationship between me and Grant is different than others you see around you?

  Dani: Yeah. For sure.

  C.J.: How?

  Dani: You just get along so well. And you never say anything hateful about each other. Nothing that ever brings the other person down. And if you do argue it’s never over anything important. Not like money or drinking problems or that you just hate each other or something.

  C.J.: I don’t see many marriages that have the level of happiness that he and I have. That makes me sad.

  Dani: I agree with that. I think that in seeing you guys together I hold myself to a higher standard. Just bringing any old guy here would not be okay. I have a higher standard for myself. It’s easier to like . . . um . . . make a decision on who to hang out with. I just ask myself if you guys would approve. Some parents wouldn’t give a shit or look into who they were dating. It’s cool that you guys care and want someone good for me. Like I said, it makes me have a higher standard for myself.

  C.J.: Can I give you advice?

  Dani: Sure.

  Although she does not sound thrilled.

  C.J.: I want you to remember this okay?

  Dani: Okay.

  C.J.: The single most important decision you’ll ever make in your life is picking the right person to marry. It will affect every other decision you make. If you want to be a paramedic or business owner or a mermaid, your significant other will either help you or hinder you. If you feel like that person makes you want to be a better person, listen. And be okay alone. You will always have us, and your little brother and sister. They adore and look up to you. We will lift you up and love you and support you until you find that one other person who does it better than even we can. Set the bar high and don’t compromise your true self. If you do, you will have compromised every important decision you’ll make in your life after that. How you parent, how you spend money or save, when you’ll retire, if you’ll travel, if your home will be happy and fun, or angry and abusive. Who you choose will make or break whether or not you are able to live your life to the fullest.

  Dani: Okay, okay Mom I get it jeez. Marry the right person already, I heard you.

  Chapter 30

  Forever After

  It’s Valentine’s day, 2018. We’ve been with each other on this day for eight years now. But there were so many before where our hearts had already been together. It’s been nineteen years since I stumbled into his wedding and fourteen years since he stumbled into mine. After that long journey home you would think Grant would have done something, anything for his sweethe
art on Valentine’s. A card even. One flower. I mean, I got him something—a small gourmet bag of chocolate covered espresso beans. Heroin to my caffeine-addicted husband. What did I get in return? Nothing. Nada. Zip. Which is exactly what I wanted. Nothing material, I just want him.

  Grant drove back into town from a work trip early so we could steal away for one quick hour before we had to pick up the kids. We went to a little place that serves the best veggie burgers and craft beers around. That hour is what I wanted more than any card or candy. I know that is my gift. That hour is what keeps me full and happy. Even when the conversation takes a bizarre turn. But that is so typical of us.

  I imagine that not every woman or man is completely content celebrating Valentine’s Day discussing which year women decided to start shaving their bush and go Brazilian. Which begs the question . . . have you ever slept with a woman who had a full bush? To which he hung his head and laughed at his private memory before admitting that yes, yes indeed, he was old enough to enjoy the pubic-hair-in-your-mouth era of female genital hair history. Surely a conversation like this could not go on over an entire Valentine’s dinner? Well, it didn’t. He quickly turned this line of questioning around on me by asking if I’d ever been with a man who had an uncircumcised penis. I had not. Which leads to another question, have you ever seen an uncircumcised penis? In person? I had. Then I reminded him that my moment of awakening was with him actually, at the lake. One Fourth of July weekend in the boat, an unsuspecting guest whipped his shorts down to his ankles and revealed his little army man with a full-size protective helmet, just before jumping off the back of the boat to take a nice, nude swim.

  Our guest clearly did not know us well, or he wouldn’t have left his trunks on the back platform. As we began to drive away from our frantic swimming guest toward a boat full of laughing onlookers, we decided the only way helmet man would be allowed back in was if he let us take him tubing. And so, we threw out Big Bertha with her eight hand-holds for him to climb on. Then we paraded him around the lake at the legal no wake speed, illegally close to the docks so that they too would have a glimpse at his junk.